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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058277">Lie to Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami'>Marta_Ayanami</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU, AU Ventus spent two weeks in Radiant Garden, AU but possible spoilers for all KH franchise remind and ux included in some AU ways, Accidental inheritances can happen as we know from Aqua &amp; Kairi, Alternate Universe divergent from Ventus's visit to Radiant Garden which went a bit differently, Alternate Universe seriously, I mean outside diary fragments, Other, Ventus's visit in RG was almost same just tiny bit different, anyway nvm things can happen, au au au, this fic doesn't have a fixed PoV so to speak outside diary that is</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:01:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058277</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU fanfic. Once upon a time, in Radiant Garden, a boy named Ventus accidentally bequethed Keyblade - real one, he was fighting Unversed at the time - to another boy, one of locals there.</p><p>As I've said, AU, canon divergent from the point of time of Ven's visit to Radiant Garden, but the fic begins a few years later.<br/>Told mostly in Saïx's diary entries, but not only, but that's for later.</p><p>*******</p><p>Young Saïx in a bit of AU circumstances.</p><p>***<br/>Next chapter, or two chapters, not sure as I'm writing: April 26th, unless anything unexpected happens.</p><p>Diary in italics, everything not in italics happens in action only, so to speak, not written in diary. Prolly not best description, but, yeah.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Isa &amp; Subject X, Isa &amp; Ventus, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Past Lea &amp; Isa &amp; Subject X, Saix &amp; Ventus, Saïx &amp; Kairi, past Isa &amp; Lea, past Isa &amp; Lea &amp; Ventus, past Isa/Lea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Know what I Saw and it Must Be True or else...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N : The title 'Lie to Me', btw, comes from Buffy, but that doesn't mean much. It's more a distant inspiration than anything, so, don't read anything into it, I guess. Idk. What I mean is, it's relevant in a very, very, very distant way? Or something. I just rarely can think of titles for anything, that's all.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Excerpts from <strong>Saïx's Diary</strong></p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong> <em>Day 1176 - Nothing to Write of, as Usual, but I will Write, if I Must. As Promised.</em> </strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>Xemnas said that on a reckon mission yesterday, Vexen found somebody. Somebody's Mind, at least, he said. As if minds were just sitting around. You weren't a scientist, truly, even less than I, so I know this wouldn't interest you anyway. Maybe it'd interest me, long ago. Still, I don't know this: who's he trying to fool? I won't believe such strange stories. It's probably some strange lie. For what purpose, I don't know. And that Vexen then supposedly put that 'mind' into an empty artificial body Vexen made. Hmm, a likely story. Who is he trying to fool? Certainly not me, so probably somebody else. Supposedly Vexen than put some strange mind into some empty puppet that supposedly can breathe and walk. And whether it's true or not - likely not, never heard of such a thing - again - Why would I care? Why do they want me to go and 'confirm that person's identity', to quote them? To quote Xemnas, that is. Vexen was grinning suspiciously. Zexion seemed exasperated, a little. He said 'I doubt any success at such an early trial' or something to that effect.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I suppose there's no reason not to go to Vexen's laboratory. It's not as if anything can happen that would affect me. No, not since a thousand and a hundred and seventy days ago. Not since everything was lost. Since Radiant Garden was lost, and more. Since he was lost. In short, everything. Sometimes, I'm still fooling myself that he's out there, somewhere. Somewhere, somehow. A Heartless, perhaps. However, if he was, I'd have already found him. In any World, in any place, I would've. I was searching. For him, and for her. If he was anywhere, I'd know. Nevermind all that. I shall go see what Vexen and Zexion want. As if I was still part of their pathetic science circle. No 'mind' they could have discovered anywhere on some recoinnassance could possibly strike my interest anyway. I doubt it, at least. It's probably just some complicated experiment of theirs. I swear, here and now, I won't be dragged into this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Indeed, I suppose I should go and check what that pathetic scientist wants. He probably haven't found and saved anybody, anyway, knowing him. Knowing him, it's certainly just some lie and some experiment, but, why involve me? I wonder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll go, tell him whatever he wants to hear, and then tell him not to involve me with any experiments again. Just because I'm a wielder of a Keyblade doesn't mean I'm some lab rat for him. And so, this is probably the last I'm writing of this. I know I won't be dragged into Vexen's experiment now, never again. In that, my resolve is fixed. And my mind is made up. I'm not even planning to write about the result of some experiment of Vexen's and Zexion's in my last entry. It doesn't involve me, and I have no idea why they and Lord Xemnas think it might ever involve me. That much I know.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>***</em>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong> <em>Day 1178 - Is This Real? I Don't Understand.</em> </strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea's alive. He's here. Axel, his name is now Axel, I need to remember that, even though I don't think Lord Xemnas would read my diary, ever. I think he's far too busy with whatever he's busy with, for that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea's alive. Lea's alive. Lea's alive. Lea's alive. Lea's alive</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Vexen found him</em>
</p><p>
  <em>on recoinassance missio</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the day bfore yesterd</em>
</p><p>
  <em>anyway</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea is alive and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>well he is a Nobody now, bt ths better thn nothing and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He lost all his memory, but that's alright, I remember everything for both of us, and I've spent last twenty seven hours telling L</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Axel</em>
</p><p>
  <em>everything</em>
</p><p>
  <em>everything</em>
</p><p>
  <em>well, fine, almost everything, I kept some matters secret from him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Axel is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>well, it's strange to see him not aged, to see him as teenager still, but that's because Axel doesn't have his own body anymore, naturally, only a fake body made for him by Vexen and Zexion, but that's alright. That's alright.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know Lord Xemnas wants Axel to remember how to summon his Keyblade, but Axel just doesn't remember yet, even though he did that in Radiant Garden, 1178 days ago. Therefore, I let L    Axel</em>
</p><p><em>borrow my own Keyblade. And it turns out, he can use it. That much should be obvious, at least. The only reason I've gained the power over the Keyblade back when I was still Isa is Lea. This Keyblade - in truth, it belongs to Lea. It's always belonged to Lea. I'm only an accursed borrower, after all. I have no right, not after </em>that<em>. When it comes to Keyblade, from the very beginning, I'm only a borrower, and I'm certain everybody knows that much. Anybody who has eyes and brain at all must see that, it's there, in plain sight, surely.<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em>Axel is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>a bit subdued, but that's surely due to his amnesia. It seems scarcely possible now, but yesterday, Axel... Lea... couldn't even remember his own name! He stared and stared at me, until, looking as if he was trying to read it in my eyes, he muttered, unsure, 'Lea... is my name? Is what you're saying?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I haven't said a thing about that. I haven't said his name outloud to him. Lea simply remembered. Why he was staring at me like that? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all. He's here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He's actually here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't care that I don't have a Heart to be 'happy'. Right now, I am content, if one can be without a Heart to be so, though that's slightly confusing and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>if it's not happiness, it's</em>
</p><p>
  <em>how to put it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea is here. And the world matters again. How to put it-- hmm. I'll think more about what to write here tomorrow. Right now, it doesn't matter. Lea is here. Axel. Whatever the name. He's here. Everything is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>different now. The world is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>different, I suppose. I think I'll end this entry now, because: 1. hopefully no one reads it, 2. I am not making any sense, am I? It matters not. Lea is here. Lea is here and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>oh, he's knocking at my door. Even with no memories, he knocks exactly the same way. When he bothered to knock, at least. Last time he bothered to knock was when he was eleven years old. It's endearing, really. Slightly upsetting, but endearing. Alright, time to see what he needs. By the way, I've told him my name is Saïx. If he truly is Lea, he'll remember someday that my true name is Isa, without me telling him that. Yes, I've told him many things, but not my true name. Axel will remember it, if he truly is who he is. I need - one more proof, I suppose. That he is him. Otherwise, what's the point?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Day 1189 - <span class="u">Lea?</span></em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Lea is truly actually here now and he's so</em>
</p><p>
  <em>so</em>
</p><p>
  <em>so himself</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it's unbelievable</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>even if memories were lost from him , he's such a </em>
</p><p>
  <em>so much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>well, Lea</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>wait, I already wrote that. Why am I repeating myself? There's no reason. No, htereisnoreason at all and I need to stp rpreteing myself and just. calm. down. and. yea. Right. Lea. About Lea, I mean, Axel, Lea is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>here</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Calm down, I need to calm down, before I write anything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today morning, before he went out on a mission with Zexion, Axel suddenly came up to me and called me Isa. Zexion seemed a bit astounded, and muttered, barely audibly, 'How fast--!!', so I know Zexion didn't tell him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Axel remembered. He truly remembered. He is him. Axel</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lea</em>
</p><p>
  <em>he's here. He truly is.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I remember being happy -</em>
</p><p>
  <em>no.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm happy. And how could I have any doubts? Even with no memories, my best friend looks and acts exactly the same as back then. Back before he died. This is the first time I'm writing this, ever: Lea had died. 1189 days ago. But that doesn't matter, and that's why I can write it now, because htt doesn't mtter, because I only had thought he had died, and the truth is<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>is what I see with my own eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He survived , truly, I just hadn't known tth</em>
</p><p>
  <em>that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just didn't know. Lea did survive.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He's here again. So, no, he didn't die. It's as Vexen said. The loss of body isn't death. I can see that now. Axel IS Lea, I know now, without a doubt, even if it's only been a few days. I know what I see, and what I see is true. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He said my name. Axel said my name, that is. And then he said that it's weird that he only remembers it now, because it feels like something he should have gotten memorized, long long long ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He's him. He's here again. I know that's true. And, less importantly, he manifested his own Keyblade now, exactly the same one he had, back then before everything was lost. No longer lost. And so, I'm now using my own again, too. Which is good, I suppose? I was slightly tired when Axel was using it. However, that doesn't matter at all. He's here. He's here, and now I know, without a shadow of a doubt, it's truly him. Truly Lea's Nobody. Lea is here again. With me. What else could matter, really? The details aren't important. I'm ready even to try to repay Vexen somehow, if he ever demands it, if all what he said is true - and it is true. Because Axel is here, now. Axel is here. He's here.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he's a moron, by the way. Who knew? I've almost forgotten. He's so stupid, I need to take care of him closely, or he'll do something stupid. It's horrible.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm</em>
</p><p>
  <em>happy. And I'm not certain why.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wonder</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Did Axel do something weird that changed how I feel? I wonder. Well, no. He doesn't even have much memories yet. He couldn't have done a thing. But, he's here. And that's enough. I think</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nevermind. He's here, and that's all that matters, now, isn't it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I again want to write that I'm happy even though it's not possible because I don't have a heart. It's funny, I</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nevermind. I blame Lea. I mean, Axel. And for now, it's enough, truly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can't wait until Axel remembers everything. Everything. Apart from last day. Please, please, please, if any higher power exists, don't let him remember the last day of our previous leaves. I'd beg for that. I'd give my life for that. I</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nevermind. Axel is here, now, and that's all that matters right now. And why would he suddenly remember the last day? Knowing him, he'll probably just remember happier moments. Or whatever he wants to remember. That's Lea. That's what I think will happen, anyway. And that's enough, what else would we need, truly?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Am I selfish?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can't let him read this. Ever. No, never, Axel can never read this. Or he might remember things he shouldn't, things he needn't, ever. I know now that he's real and there are things, since that's so, that</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please, don't remember those things, Axel, please.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Well, that's really unnecessary to write, as I'm not going to let him read this, ever, but. Maybe just for myself, I wanted to say that, without saying anything, ever. To Lea. I mean, to Axel. About things that shouldn't be said aloud. About the loss of everything. Which no longer matters. Everything can be here, now, again. Because he's real. I've checked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm glad</em>
</p><p>
  <em>even if I can't truly be, having no feelings. But that doesn't change the fact that right now, I'm glad. That's what my mind is telling me. It's Lea's fault, really.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>However, I suppose I can tolerate that. And - right, I should let in</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yes, he's knocking here again. Axel, obviously, who else? So, for now, I'll</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll continue later.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Point Is...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N:</p><p>Next chapter of "Lie to Me":  will be out in April if I don't catch any viruses or anything, but not earlier, seeing as I'm actually gonna publish next chapter of "A City with No Chiss" first, I'm just still editing the next chapter of City with No Chiss, because, well, it's been two years, I want the chapter to not have spelling mistakes, okay. And I'm writing next chapter of "Roll with the Rocks". Anyway, next chapter of "Let's Roll with the Rocks" will be out in May, and it's a long chapter, because I've missed prince Varian. NVM, offtopic. Back to the fic at hand. I'm talking too much, anyway, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, heh, back to fic. Might just delete A/Ns later, nobody needs those. When I copy them elsewhere. Just. Trying to stay organised. I'm never organised, anyway. My bad. XD</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Day 1201 – <strong><span class="u">I hate that ‘Replica’ body for him, so inconvenient</span></strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>What does Vexen make replica bodies of, and what for, and anyway, why, does he just hope to randomly find people without bodies after they lost theirs? Strange.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, I’m glad he made Lea’s new body. Lea would still be, how to put it, not alive, otherwise, just like for over a thousand days.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Speaking of Lea, I mean, Axel, and of others…<br/>
<br/>
Demyx should get his eyes checked. He must be colour blind.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>
He told me he thought Axel was blond, so he was surprised to hear Xigbar say Axel's a redhead. Blond! Demyx is a more of a fool than I even knew, I've just looked at Axel's hair again carefully, it's as red as it's always been.</em>
</p><p><em>When I asked, just as formality - when I asked Axel what colour his hair was, he got a vacant look at first - when will that stop, I wonder. I hoped that’d stop already. I’m tempted to just tell you, I mean, to just tell Axel everything about himself. Everything. But what if that overwhelms you? That stupid replica body seems so useless and delicate, I’m half scared to even touch him. Would be, if I had a heart, that is. </em><em>He</em> <em>got a vacant look at first, then said, slowly,</em></p><p>
  <em>"I'm not sure, Isa. Saix. Er... my hair, it's... Maybe red? That tracks, right? Like sunsets or something. Should I go get a good look in the mirror or something?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And he looked so confused, I just showed him an old photo to ease his confusion, and then went with him to nearest mirror. He seemed to relax. That's good. That's</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was going to write something, but it'd be too much. What if Axel ever reads this diary? I've already written too much. Honestly, too much. No, he can't read this. I won't let him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In other words, back to the matter at hand, even Axel can see, though he's an utter amnesiac now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I asked Xaldin about Axel and what Axel looks like, though why I'd ask Xaldin, I don't know. Xaldin says 'Shorter than I thought. Hair? I don't know or care, he's hooded all the time. Eyes are piercing green like nobody's business, so green it's almost unnatural, never seen the likes. But what's it to you or me? It's just a new member, who happens to be a keybearer, too. I thought he sounded a bit like you, at first, but not anymore. His voice, not whatever he's saying. Which is not much. Didn't they say he doesn't remember a thing? Tch.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Who knew Xaldin had imagination? Will wonders never cease? I've seen Axel's eyes, a moment ago. They're very pale green, and often half-vacant. No piercing green there. That'd be interesting, huh? In a Nobody? But Axel's still a Nobody, unfortunately. Xaldin must have some strange overactive imagination. I never suspected that. And apparently Dilan, I mean Xaldin, is half deaf, too. Lea, Axel, sounds nothing like me.</em>
</p><p><em>So, yes. Axel is Axel, is Lea's Nobody, your Nobody, obviously. You

Lea is here again, at last. With the Organisation. No. With me, moreso, he's with me again, and if I had a heart, I'd feel as if I could do anything.</em> <em><br/>
I can do anything. With him, I can. I can, if needed, slay thrice as many Heartless than until now, no, five times as many, if that means I can keep him save from whatever experiments Vexen and Zexion might be planning. To keep Axel safe. So what if he has a fake body? Everything inside him is real, I don't know how Vexen and Zexion managed to find Lea and transfer him in there, but it's true, I know it is, I know what I see, I know what I feel.<br/>
Yes. I know what I'm feeling, and it's no lie. It's not. I know that much. Axel is Axel, truly.</em></p><p> </p><p><em> <strike>Day 1211</strike> </em> <em>         Day 35 – <strong><span class="u">It’s been that many days since Lea’s come back from the underworld or whatever one might name it, I guess</span></strong></em></p><p>
  <em>There are worlds that’d call that Underworld. Worlds I’ve been to. Other worlds would call that paradise. But Lea doesn’t look as if he’s vacationed in paradise for a few years, Axel doesn’t, is what I’m trying to say, I</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know what I’m trying to convey. And truth is, I don’t care. I want to write his name, over and over again, and then I want to burn this diary, because I don’t need it anymore, because Lea is here, in the room next to mine, and what else is there, truly? What else to care about?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nothing can change the fact that the world exists again. Today morning, I looked at the sunrise. I actually looked at it. I couldn’t be more surprised if I had a heart. It’s been, what, over thousand days since</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Since I have. Looked. At something so unnecesary, and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Beautiful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was raining outside this morning, when I was watching, so maybe I didn’t even see much. Maybe I just imagined.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When was the last day I’ve imagined something? Honest question. Rhetorical one, possibly, because I doubt I’ll remember something so pointless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I've already come to terms with Lea's amnesia, I’ve accepted that unfortunately, that’s how things have to be, and that he won’t call me his friend again, but now, he keeps remembering more and more, and that's better.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It is better, isn’t it? Unless he remembers the last day. The back then. Over thousand days ago. Please, don’t.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Each day, he remembers more, and that’s wonderful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Even things that only I and he would know. No one else but us. Things I’ve never talked to others about, things I haven’t written in this diary about. That’s how I know. He’s the real thing, he truly is!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s not a trick, not some sick game, despite my foolish fears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And so, now I know. He truly is who he is. Axel really is him. My Lea, my old best friend, Lea. There's no more doubt. Perhaps I was just scared I'd lose him again. Once was enough for any lifetime, more than once, I couldn't bear. But, no, this time, I won't lose Lea, I mean, Axel. No. I'll get his heart back, and mine. Both of us. And then we can find her, too. Once he remembers her. Which he will, I'm sure.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembers me now, more and more. It's the strangest feeling, seeing him change everyday. At first, he looked at me like at a stranger. Which was not pleasant, I suppose. Or wouldn’t be pleasant, if I had a heart. The feelings I’m having, they’re just memories of feelings, Xemnas explained that many times, so, I know. I just remember how precious Lea was, that’s all. But that’s enough for me for now. Really, it’s even overwhelming. I haven’t remembered this many feelings for many a day. I keep remembering more and more feelings with each hour that passes. Remembering them so vividly, it hurts!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Good.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If I read that tomorrow, I might wonder if I accidentally wrote that I’m a masochist, when I’m not. I can’t claim to fully understand, but that’s strange, because without a heart, don’t I understand myself completely? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I thought I did. I do. I’m almost sure I do understand myself. And Lea. Well, I probably won’t understand him once he gets all his memories back, but, still, I want him to get them back, I want Lea, I mean Axel, to stop having those damned headaches he keeps having sometimes. That can’t be pleasant. It’s worrisome, a little.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I blame Vexen and Zexion and Xemnas.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Speaking of Axel, just a little bit more, one thing I can say is that:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>now he doesn't see me as a stranger, not anymore. That, I'm grateful for. And I know it's real. There are things he's remembered that no of the six know, they have no means of knowing those things, I'm sure. Only he, and I. Some things that are really of no consequence to anyone else, and nobody else saw, basically, as well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Again, I just now thought that I’m glad, which is a ridiculous notion because I don’t have a Heart to be glad, but, no matter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why am I repeating myself?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe I don’t need a diary, anyway. Because he is back, really is, after all.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Speaking of diaries, I've told him to keep a diary. That way, he won't ever forget anything important, from today on. He looked very confused, but then he smiled, at it was smile, exactly, I know his smile, it can't be an illusion, because Zexion doesn't know Lea like that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was Lea's smile exactly as I remember it. And so, now I know, he's real. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled and said I'm smart, and thanked me for the idea, and said, yeah, he'd keep a diary now, just like I do. He doesn't know how much I hate my own diary. However, this is the only way I'm sure to keep the promise I've made to him, back then, before everything was lost. Because I don't trust myself completely that I'll endure and keep it, otherwise. I often had that sensation, or memory of feeling. For so many days now, I had to keep doing it. Even if I never wanted to, without him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wonder if he'll write about me. Unlikely, seeing as he doesn't remember who I am. And maybe he'll never remember.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>*****</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Day 37 or 38  – <strong><span class="u">I’ve Made a Mistake</span></strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yesterday, Lea was in my room, showing off his new Keyblade skills, when he noticed my diary, which I didn’t keep hidden, after all. Out of curiosity, he immediately began reading my diary. I took it away from him, and he yelled that that’s no fair, because he saw his names there, both of them, so that means I’m gossiping or something about him, so he has a right to know. And than he said that if I’m actually his friend like I say I am, I’ll obviously let him read that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not obviously, I let him read that. All. From day one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Suddenly, he collapsed. Fainted, I know now, but at first, I panicked. I took him to Vexen and Zexion, and told them that Axel suddenly fainted, but I didn’t tell them why. I think I was screaming. I barely remember. I think I was angry. Truly angry. It was strange. I never felt that way since losing my Heart. I guess I forgot all about anger since that day, and now I remembered it? Remembered being angry. Furious. I think I might’ve attacked them, or almost did, and I didn’t stop being aggressive, I think, until Zexion said that Axel is in no danger, they just simply need to run a few tests on him, and then he’ll be at his maximum capacity again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think I had calmed down when I heard that. I can’t be certain. The memory is slightly fuzzy. I don’t know why. I know it happened, and I know I was angry, but I don’t really know if I attacked Vexen, or Zexion, or neither.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It probably wasn’t much. I know I summoned my Keyblade, but I know I didn’t do much with it, I can feel that much, at least.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Besides, Vexen and Zexion are still here, which, honestly, answers the question in full.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hope Axel’s fine. I should never have let him read my diary. It affected him somehow. I’ve made an enormous mistake.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It must be that stupid replica body. It’s surely to blame. If Lea, I mean, Axel, had his own body now, he wouldn’t be so fragile, I know that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Without asking Xemnas’s permission, I went out. I spent hours searching in vain for Lea’s Heartless. Would I even recognise it? Probably not. Still, I was searching for it. If I could slay it, would Lea, I mean, Axel, get better?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know. I don’t even know… why I thought that. Must be the Keyblade thing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nothing else happened.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Later, I RTCd. I haven’t found such a Heartless, I don’t think. I destroyed four hundred heartless, more or less in eight worlds. I know, because I counted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Isn’t that how many I usually destroy during three months?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No wonder I’m almost slightly tired. That was a few intense hours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve gone and asked Vexen when Axel will wake up. And that useless pathetic excuse for a pathetic scientist has no idea why.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So then I went and destroyed a couple more heartless. Strong ones. I fainted, and woke up at midnight. But, which midnight?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I RTCd. I rested for a moment, and then, Xigbar assigned me a new mission to collect some hearts, so, that’s more Heartless slaying.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I did that, then RTCd, and slept. What day is it today? Because I’m not sure if I have the day right. And that’s important. I can’t make a mistake counting days. I’m sure Lea will be upset if I make a mistake there. So, I just can’t. It’s obvious, isn’t it? What I mean to say is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The purpose of this is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What I mean to say is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That’s the whole point of this diary. Since that day. That’s what it is, isn’t it? It’s simple, really. As if I was writing this stupid thing for myself. For myself, I can just remember. No, I'm realising now, everything I know, everything I  remember, since that day, I was putting down on paper, with utter honesty, not for myself, but for Axel. That's the truth. I can admit it, now.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I've made a mistake. I should just throw it away, if it affected him like that. I never meant</em>
</p><p>
  <em>to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I never meant to hurt Lea, I mean, Axel, I</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I mean</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lea.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Truly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please, wake up again. That's all I'm asking. You can forget me, just wake up again. I can write this, here, because I won't let you read this anyway, Lea. Axel. My best friend. Won't let you read this again, as apparently, you reading anything I wrote is a mistake. My mistake. He'll wake up, he has to. I'll make him wake up if I have to. I don't know how, but I'll. If Vexen doesn't, I'll, somehow. Maybe a Keyblade can help. I have a feeling it can. I won't lose Lea a second time. That's just not something I'd allow. I'll find a way to keep him safe. Whether he remembers our friendship or not, whether he remembers himself or not, that no longer matters, what matters is - he. I've just realised that. Geained clarity, once I saw him faint, and thought him in danger, again. I hope he's not in danger. However, it's all clear now. And even my feelings are. It's simple, really. He's my best friend, in other words, everything to me, and I know it's truly him, I certainly wouldn't feel that way if he was fake, now would I, I know what I'm seeing with my own eyes, so I know he's real, and I won't lose him a second time. It's simple and plain to see, and I just need to plan on what to do, what I can do, if Vexen and Zexion don't manage to wake him up. Maybe wait for now, possibly he'll just awaken soon. If not, I'll do something. Anything. I don't yet know what, but I'll find out, one way or another. After all, it's about him.<br/>
</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe if I find her, and tell her I've found her thanks to him, she would help him wake up? Can she? We both want to find her, anyway, so even if she can't, Axel still will be glad if, once he wakes up, he sees her and me. That could be good for his memory. Probably.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or it could overwhelm him again. I must be careful. If he's so fragile now, I must be more careful with him, take better care of him. I wasn't gentle enough, I suppose. I'll be. Very much so. I won't talk about the past to him, I won't touch him, maybe </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe he shouldn't even see me again for some days. I'll watch Axel from afar. That might be a good idea. For him. That's what I'll endavour to do, once he wakes up. But what about right now?</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: </p><p>Excerpts from next chapter, rough first draft, less now because I changed and reworked and tweaked some plot, not in general, but in details:</p><p>"<i>Day (...)</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Axel's memories so far begin on the day he, well, Lea, so, he, when he and I met. However, I'm certain he'll remember his past more (...)<br/>my childhood memories somehow see very hazy today. Very hazy. And even memories more recent,from a over a thousand days ago.Of the two who caused it all. Who caused that. Xehanort and Ventus. The ones I hate. (...) Still hazy.Ever since Lea, I mean, Axel, woke up. But, that's fine."</i></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"<br/>Saix stared at the boy.<br/>„Did I say something bad?”<br/>„No, something weird. And don’t be a baby, you’re too old to speak like a two year old. You’re eighteen.”<br/>„I am? Wow, I’m old, Isa! Are you that old, too?”<br/>Saix nodded.<br/>„Wow. We’re positively ancien! But Vexen, he said I was born just recently. I know I'm not supposed to tell you that, Isa, which sounds fun, I should break rules more often.”<br/>„You’ve misunderstood what that paultry scientist had said, it’s clear. Let me explain the details, Lea."</p><p>(...)</p><p>Hearing Saix scream and yell like that, Axel winced.<br/>„Did I say something bad?” the boy asked.<br/>„Yes! You just can’t shut up, can you?! Stop talking!”<br/>Axel stopped talking, and just looked around, slightly confused. Everyone in the main room was staring at them now.<br/>Axel tugged at his own hair.<br/>Saix stared at him for a moment, than huffed, then asked, loudly,<br/>„Why in damnation are you so quiet?!”<br/>Axel looked bemused, then opened a Dark Corridor and hightailed out of there.<br/>(..)<br/>„I’ve never been here,” Axel said, „but this place feels so familiar. Have you ever been here, Isa?”<br/>„Lea, you’ve been here. You’ll remember.”<br/>„It feels familiar. Is that a memory?”<br/>Saix nodded.<br/>Axel’s eyes were green. Suddenly so strikingly green, like nothing Saix’s ever seen. It would’ve been unnatural, if it wasn’t so breathtakingly absolutely utterly beautiful.<br/>(...)<br/> <br/>"<i>Day (...)</i></p><p>
  <i>I wasn’t crying, that’s more like youLea, I had no reason to cry, not when I was almost happy.<br/>I was in Hollow Bastion with Lea. He was surprised when he apparently imagined I cried. And when I smiled. So was I.<br/>Then, we went home together, Axel and I. I mean, we RTCd together. There’s no home in the World that Never Was.<br/>Axel remembers more and more each day. (...)<br/>Will you change? When you have them, the memories, all of them, back? Will you leave me?<br/>Only a madman wouldn’t. Who wants to share close quarters with a thief?<br/>(...)</i>
</p><p><i>I must truly lack all the vestiges of my Heart. I can’t let him go, even if he ever decides he wants to.<br/>Maybe he won’t decide that. Yes, because I’ll atone. By speeding up the making of the Kingdom Hearts. By getting Hearts back – his, and mine. Everything we were, before I let him down, before I took his Keyblade, before that, everything will be regained.<br/>That’s when I’ll be his friend again. (...)<br/>This isn’t it. I shouldn’t overthink that, anyway. What matters more is that Axel is alright. He barely has headaches anymore. He’s feeling better everyday. And I know<br/>Together we’ll be unstoppable. Not even the Superior can stop us, once Axel remembers everything. That’s the truth, I’m certain, not just wishful thinking. After all, I’m talking about Lea, and myself. As a team. The Team.<br/>I hope he remembers me, more and more, soon, everything about our friendship, everything but that - the one last day of the World.</i>""</p><p>"<br/>"Now, will you shut up, child?" Vexen asked the boy.<br/>"No? Yes? I'm not sure?"<br/>"Just shut up."<br/>"Y--- n-nope! I don't think so. I got some memories back, from my old life. And they're like Isa said. And I know they're mine, I dreamt them later, even without Isa, I mean, Saïx, I mean, Isa. So, start calling me Lea, old man, not No. i as you do and what does that even mean sounds stupid like hell ya know, cause I am Lea. For real. Or, I was. I'm not mistaken, neither is Isa, I get the feeling, I'm me. Not whatever you said. I'm Lea. 'kay? Get that memo-"<br/>"Shut up," Vexen said, groaning now. "Fine. 'Axel'. Boy, shut up. This is the worst project I've been tasked with. Well, at least you're functional. Thanks only to my genius. No one's helping."<br/>"Er, okay? Okay."<br/>"I hope he doesn't ruin you, I'd have to make a new one."<br/>"Who?"<br/>"Nevermind, boy. I can see that anything I say only flies over your head, I suppose that's the 'influence.'</p><p> </p><p>"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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